OLD Jokes
1. Melanie Marquez, during her guesting at The Buzz: I
have a film with Alec BALDWIN, and DIRECTOR by Romy
Suzara...(it's BOVICK, Melanie, bigatin ka na pala at
Hollywood star na ang co-star mo, and yes, it's
Supposed to be DIRECTED BY..)

2. Katya Santos, on the controversial Viva Hot Babes
VCD: Eighteen year old ABOVE and PATAAS lang ang
pwedeng makabili nitong VCD. (So kung 17 below and
pababa, hindi pwede, di ba?)

3. Heart Evangelista, reading a letter request at Myx:
Dear Heart, I'd like to request the song blah blah...
Of course, we will grant your request. You know,
everything is possible... WITH GOD!

4. Boy Abunda, interviewing "Ssshhh...She Walks By
Night" star Belinda Bright
Boy: Belinda, what is this movie about?
Belinda: It's actually a Film Mwah!
Boy: Pardon me?
Belinda: A Film Mwah, we consider it a film, not a
movie.
Boy: Ano ulit yun, iha?
Belinda: A Film.. mmm.. it's an Art Film.
(Film Noir, Belinda, and to think you are Bright!)

5. eto pa, iniinterview ni Master Showman yung 98
degrees, tsk tsk..hinde na nahiya:
Kuya Germs: So what can you say about the Filipinas?
Someone from 98 degrees: Ah, they're all pretty.
Really lovely and kind.
Kuya Germs: Well, have you made love to a Filipina?

6. Kuya Germs: Salamat at pinaunlakan mo kami Juday.
Dahil dyan, may ibibigay kami sa iyo courtesy of video
city. Ito ay...aircon?! Aircon!
Juday: (luwal ang mga mata) Talaga?! Salamat po.
Kuya Germs: Ay...Con Air pala. Isang vhs tape ng Con
Air.

7.Kris Aquino: i heard sa france based ang father mo
ngayon?
Danilo Barrios: hindi po. sa paris.
Kris Aquino: so you're a vegetarian?
Danilo Barrios: opo. kumakain din ako ng meat.

8. Vina Morales, announcing the winners of ASAP's
Clash Dance: It's a tie-breaker!

9. Mariah Carey: Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help
but cry. I mean ... I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

10. Host: What is your favorite feature?
Calendar Girl: My favorite feature is my graduation
feature!
(Todo explain pa siya na kesyo maganda daw siya dun
kasi naka-makeup siya...)

11. eto, isa sa peyborit quotes ko mula sa napanood
kong Grand Finals ng She's Got the Look dati sa Eat
Bulaga:
Vic: Contestant Number ---, eto yung question mo:
"What is your guiding principle in life?"
Contestant: Hmm.. guiding principle?
Vic: Oo, guiding principle, kumabaga motto, something
na pinaniniwalaan mo.
Contestant: Hmm .. (halatang tensed na).. guiding
principle.. my guiding principle is.. hmm.. ahh..
ahh..
Vic (grand finals kaya ayaw niya mamahiya): Para
siyang motto.. like "Time is Go.." (sabay putol nung
contestant)
Contestant: Ahh.. my guiding principle in life is
"Time is Gold. Thank you!"

12. ito, nung Bb. Pilipinas host: how did you develop
your love for horseback riding?
contestant: when I first went to Tagaytay, I ride a
horse and the horse thrilled me!
(hmmmm... bakit parang iba meaning?)

13. Host: You're doing well as a singer in clubs.
What's your next ambition?
Guest: Gusto ko pong magkaroon ng recording album!
(Recording na, album pa?)

14. Host: What don't you like about (name of starlet)
ba?
Guest: She's too reactionary!
Host: What do you mean?
Guest: React siya ng react!

15. anyway, si melanie marquez pa rin habang
iniinterview ni boy abunda:
boy: melanie, anung masasabi mo sa mga lumalabas na
tsismis na hindi ka lang daw drug addict, drug pusher
ka pa?
melanie: they are all liars! tingnan nyo nga ako, ang
payat-payat ko, i am a model! (tsk tsk.. mukha ka
ngang high! )

16. angela velez announcing the famas winner..
Angela: And the Famas Goes through...

alecx bovic's reaction sa mga di makapaniwala sa
pagkabest actress nya..
alecx: di ko na po papansinin yung mga negatives puro
positives na lang po..

17. . dati ko pa ito napanood sa eat bulaga, sa
feeling pogi yata:
tinanong yung guy kung anong gift nya sa girl na gusto
nya, ang sagot nya ay 'top toy\' (stuffed toy), tawa
ng tawa si gladys kaya pinaulit yung sagot,
'top toy' pa rin ang sabi nung guy, as in parang wala
syang clue na mali sya

18. Inez Veneracion: "I am a one woman man!" (hell,
she\'s a man! )

19. New Year's presentation ng See True:
Ate Luds: O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay
Stella Strada?
Madam Auring: Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon
at malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno!
Kinabukasan, HEADLINE: STELLA STRADA COMMITS SUICIDE!

20. Joe Cantada: So Atoy, what are your prospects
now,mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming
semi-finals round...
Atoy Co: Well Joe, the ball is around! (naghanap tuloy
ng bola si Joe)

21. RITA GOMEZ AS A JUDGE IN A BB.PILIPINAS
PAGEANT,ASKING A CANDIDATE A QUESTION DURING THE Q AND
A (CANDIDATE INCIDENTALLY IS MARIA ISABEL LOPEZ)
RITA: Here's your question,hija: Are you still a
virgin?
MARIA ISABEL: If I say I still am, can I bring home
the crown tonight?
RITA: Good answer!
MARIA ISABEL: What about you Ma'am, are you still a
virgin?
RITA: Hija I have 5 children with 5 different
fathers,what do you call that, Immaculate
Conception???

22. Ang ganda ng gospel number na
yon,napaka-enlighting.Teka magpupunas lang ako, I'm
sweatening.*VILMA SANTOS

23. HOST: What\'s the latest in international show biz
news?
Co-host: Whitney Houston has just signed a $100 M
recording contract!
Host: Wow, that's really huge. Do you think she
deserves it?
Co-host: She does! After all, in the course of her
career, Whitney has sold more than 140 albums!
(Huh?!)

24. Host: Do you see what I'm holding in my hand?
Co-host: What is it?
Host: It's the new P10 coin.
Co-host: Hey, how about that? - what are its features?
Host: Well, it has Mabini or Andres Bonifacio on the
cover. (The coin has a cover?)

25. Host: Our next sports feature is unique. It's
about a new and funny kind of race.
Co-host: What's new about it?
Host: It's a race in which the racers are riding
landmowers!
What in the world is a landmower? - Oh, you mean
lawnmower.)

26. Host: Your best friend is involved in a
controversy right now. What do you want to tell him,
to show your support?
Starlet: Pare, kaya mo 'yan. At, pag kailangan mo ng
tulong, anytime, alam mo naman, andyan lang naman ako,
I'll just right by! (Wheee!)

27. Host: What has happened to you after you came out
with your accusations?
Guest: I have received death letters! (What in the
world are death letters?!)

28. Host: Now that you have answered your opponent's
charges, what happens now?
Guest: Now the ball is in the court! (Huh?)

29. sexy star1: i'm half filipina, half spanish, and
half chinese ( ano yun 1 1/2 )
sexy star2: the show was very success!

tapos sa sharon kagabi. tinanong niya si Diane de la
fuente
sharon: nung nag-secret wedding kayo alam ba ng
parents mo?

30. Tinanong one time si Angelika Jones kung ano role
nya sa isang sitcom na gagawin nya sa channel 2.. sabi
nya medyo kikay daw sya d2 pero nde naman Over O-A.

Si Candy Allyson naman pag tumalon naman daw sya sa
San Juanico Bridge kailangan nya ng Life Best para
safe

Isang Viva HotBabe sabi nya proud daw sya kasi
napasama sya sa 100 Sixtiest Woman!.

31. HOST: Why did you separate from your husband?
Guest: I realized that I did not really love him.
Host: Did you love him when you accepted his proposal
for you to marry him?
Guest: Not also.
Host: So, why did you agree to marry him?
Guest: He pressurized me to do it!
(Ay, pressurized!)

32. Host: What did you have for breakfast today?
Guest: Tinapay.
Host: Ano'ng palaman ng tinapay?
Guest: Juice.
(Palaman, hindi panulak . . . BADTRIP!!!!)

33. letter sender: vj heart you are so charming and u
are my favorite vj!
vj heart: also you are!
what the?!! did she finish school?

34. ito sobrang tagal na to. sa martin late at night.
guest si vina morales.
martin: vina, ganda naman ng damit mo. ritratto?
vina: sige, pa-picture tayo!

35. eto contribution ko... I think it was heart (na-chismis lang sken)
A contestant shared her past experience when she was fat and palaging inaasar ng mga people around her. Heart then said: "I know what you feel" and then.. the contestant said: "Bakit, mataba ka ba before?" Heart: ...speechless