I'm motivated to post today so here goes nothing. But first of all, let me divide my post into two major headings: LOVELIFE and SCHOOL
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LOVELIFE

I want to start off with this one cause this is the bad part. I don't want to end my post with this cause it will (not MIGHT but WILL) only ruin my day.

First up, I want to post this email that I got on the 2nd of February:
Hello Love,



As much as I don’t want to start with a sorry, as I usually do, I feel that I have to because I owe you a lot. I’m sorry… I’m aware that in the past few days I haven’t been fair to you, nor have I acted like a loving boyfriend. I wasn’t able to chat for a series of days; I haven’t been able to save much money yet for a webcam, and even less for a call card (or load). And even on the few occasions that we chat I feel that I haven’t been good company to you. Because of all this I know that I’ve been really unfair to you. I know you deserve better than what I am giving you now.

Although it is a given that I haven’t had enough time for you because of my irresponsibility, there were also other things that had me tied down these past few days. There were times when my brother was using the internet most of the time, and these past few days I was always going home late because I went home with my dad and if he decides to come home late, then that’s that. Yesterday, we got home at around 11 and I didn’t have the chance to use the pc anymore.

I expect that you’d think these are all just excuses… And you’re right. I know I could have gotten past these things if I had been more responsible and persistent. I could have made the time needed so you wouldn’t be so disappointed of me all the time. Instead I let the opportunity pass and kept postponing what should be done.

I’m not making this to ask for your forgiveness again and let this all silently pass by our relationship. It’s just been a few days since you left, and we still have a long way to go. In the past year you were the one who mostly took care of our relationship; you nurtured it, protected it, and made it grow. I was the one who neglected it and even tried to destroy it. And now that I think about how bad I feel for missing the chance to greet you on our monthsary, it made me realize how much I’ve forgotten a lot of things: like how much effort we had put in making it this long, how much you really miss me and feel bad because you’re far away, and how much I’m blessed because God gave me to you to care and love. I’m making you this because it is the only present I have for you on our monthsary.

Lately, I’ve been avoiding making promises to you because I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep them. Before I kept promising a lot of things to you which I weren’t able to keep, and I just end up hurting you more and more. Now I’m going to promise you three things. I will do all that I can to keep this promise, so that you’d know that I love you, that I miss you, and that I wish more than ever that you were with me. In the following days of our relationship, please always keep this in mind because these three will be my goal in fulfilling my part in our relationship and in making you happy.

1. I will have more time for you.
2. I will save for you.
3. I will keep my promises.

I promise you these three things. It will be my personal goal and I will put much effort in fulfilling them. You may think that I’m taking this too seriously, but to tell you the truth I should have taken my irresponsibility this seriously years ago. I should have made this gift to you on our very first anniversary, instead on our 49th monthsary.

I won’t be chatting with you later because I’m still too ashamed to do so. I really wouldn’t know what to say, and I don’t want to give you the same “I’m sorry” lines again. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have the courage to talk with you.

Pasensya na kung korny itong naisip ko, pero ayoko nang mangyari ulit ito kaya ko nagawang i-type to. Sa ngayong monthsary pa lang ito, pero paano pa kaya kung mas malaki pang bagay ang malampasan ko?

That’s why I’m taking this opportunity to start changing myself. Again, I’m sorry for the past few days, especially yesterday. Hindi na siya mauulit.




I love you


P.S.

I won’t be mentioning anything about this again, especially my three promises. But rest assured I’ll be doing my best to accomplish them. You don’t have to believe what I’ve put here; you can even forget what I’ve promised here afterwards if you really don’t believe anything I’ve typed here.


P.P.S.

Ako na magsusuot ng pantalon. Mag-skirt ka na lang.


I have been reminding myself to be independent and live as a single woman (single but not available). That is just my way of not thinking about him and actually setting aside my relationship with someone. What have I been doing? Well, I have been avoiding keeping in contact with him at the same time keeping myself busy. It was doing fine actually and I plan to maintain this new lifestyle. I don't want to be too attached/dependent to him because he will never be there all the time.

Speaking of that, well see... he's not always there and I know that when I need him, he won't be the first one to be there and he won't be the one to help me. Disappointing right? I can't blame anyone, I can't blame him. I know what he'll tell me; 'Ganito ako eh. Sana ma-accept mo, antagal na natin.' So, it is not that I'm forced to think that way but I have no other way but to submit to that fact. And that, whenever I need help or just need someone, I will never take the initiative to approach him or even let him know that I need/want his help.

Adding to that, I know that he is not dependable. But other people, especially the people who know him around his campus, will think otherwise. Why? Not because I'm his girlfriend but because he's always in school, he's always there, he's always present. With them, he's dependable, reliable and a responsible person. Not that I'm comparing but I would like to type my insights, because of the fact that I'm away and we can't do anything about it, he can't do much. If he can... that's a probability of 1/5.

I'm just so sad about it because of the fact that he gives me false hopes. He is not aware of it because he doesn't even consider the situation. He's always busy and my vocabulary of busy (in his situation) is, I don't have time for you. Not that I'm demanding time cause even I am busy as well. Busy, but he had time to go to the movies. He had money to watch a movie but he doesn't have the money to buy a prepaid. However, that bit is a shallow thing; I know that he has no initiative. But I don't know... I don't know if he still cares. Do I always have to assume that 'he cares' without the feeling of being cared by him? I want someone to show/tell me he loves me, not always 'assuming that he loves me', and not someone who ignores/takes advantage of me. Isn't pathetic that he consciously didn't made any paramdam to me for a week and then he'll just spring out of nowhere and ask you, how have you been? Is that evident enough to say that he asks you your condition for the past week that he cares for you or the worst part, that he is concerned? And the weird thing was, after a week of not talking to him, the other week, he actually had the time/money to call me for two consecutive days and was able to sent me an email. Wow, kung gusto mo talaga, may paraan.

I have noticed the 'pattern'. Ever since I came back here, he's always there almost everyday until it decreased to every after 2 days, once every week until there's none. I try to ignore that, but even before, I have expected that THAT will happen. Because of another fact that he is inconsistent. I don't know and I can't tell how sincere he is, he very well knows that I can't give him the trust that he expects me to give to him. I can't because I already did and he broke it, it shattered into pieces and no matter how long you glue the pieces back, cracks are evident everywhere.

Now, I don't care. Whatever happens, happens. I will not blame anyone if my decision of setting him/us aside will become the cause of our break up. I have always been looking at two sides, that we will end up together or end up separately. Apart from that, I don't want to handle/take care of this relationship anymore. I'm tired, I can't do it alone and I surrender. I don't see any reason why I have to continue handling this while he shows little concern. I heard this statement from Kris and she said, 'Well, if you can't make her happy, why won't you set her free and let her find someone who can make her happy?' But as always, break up is the last thing on my mind.

Another thing, to end this first part, I have no plans on the first of June. Yes, I will go online but only for a short period of time. Nope, I won't greet him. No text, no e-mail, no offline message and no call. As for now, I want some time for myself, I was too busy before taking care of a relationship that is one-way. Aside from that, I miss myself, I don't want to have any problems with regards to love life. I already have too many problem at balancing my studies. In addition to the monthsary, I don't think it is worth it if we greet each other and celebrate it. It's very shallow to think that we've added one more month in our relationship. I don't want to celebrate that day and make it a special event simply because there's no reason to celebrate. The quality of our relationship this month is worthless. The most days of this month have been spent with other things and not with us. So it is not rational/worth it/good to celebrate. And yes, as what I have stated earlier, I have no plans of approaching him. Let the silence that I'm giving to him speak for itself.

I want to make my life happy and spend every moment of my life with the people who is there. I don't want to waste my time in 'assuming' things and to waste my time for someone who is not there.

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SCHOOL

Enough about that sad emotional side. I want to end my post with this comment that 'I feel so blessed today.' Why? Why?

This morning, I had a Psychology tute. The very last one. We were given feedbacks on how they will structure Psychology for next year. They will not provide any exam on Psychology but will give a weekly assessments!!! Yey!!! That will mean that I'll only get two exams (the freakin chem & bio).. although, i think that change will only be for 1st year psychology students for next year. My essay on Psychology was given back to me by my tutor. I was expecting a 'pass' since I'm not good at writing essays but looky here... I got H1!!!! And it's hard in Melbourne Uni to actually get an H1 mark! Oh btw, H1 is 80 - 90. I was very happy, but I thought at that moment that there's no reason to celebrate because I have an upcomming class test that afternoon for Anthropology.

While walking on my way to the library, I stopped by at the Chemistry building to check out my test result on Chemistry... a bit disappointing because I was perfect for the first test and now I got -> 11/18?!? I better get a perfect mark on the last test.

And of all my subjects, I give the least attention to Anthropology. I have only started my revision for the class test last Sunday night. And I had to familiarize myself from the key arguements of 10 different articles. Because the test was actually thick and we had to make 10 essays (100 words/article)for one hour. Pathetic right? Cause I took my revision for the class test seriously only YESTERDAY. I was so nervous and afraid to take the test. I was actually planning to skip Psychology lecture (but I went on the tute) just to spend 2 hours stuck in the library with the thick course book to read and some papers to put down notes (and it's too late to make notes, isn't?)

Oh my, I was about to cry because I thought that I was not prepared for the test. I was talking to God the whole day. When 1:00 came, I told him, 'I know and I admit that I didn't really prepare for this test but please make me remember the things that I have been reading. I don't need to remember it verbatim but just to remember the gist of each article.'

Yeah, I was able to familiarize myself to 9 different articles (Douglas, Smith, Denich, Sofos, Ortner, Fridle, Keesing, Scheper-Hughes and Hendry). although I remembered Bax but his article was not mentioned in the last lecture. During the test, I could remember clearly the different arguments posted by each Anthropologists. How lucky I was and I was consistently writing (making sure ofcourse that I answer the question). Except for Hendry because I mistook his work as the work of Keesing (darn!). Because it was only for an hour, I was not able to answer 10 questions. I was only able to answer 8, I know what to write on two of them but I didn't had enough time; I ran out of time while answering my 9th essay about Denich and his approach on development of national identity as the effect of genocide in disremembering Yugoslavia. But nonetheless, I was happy to know that I had answers to write. I hope my answers are sufficient enough to give me a higher-than-Pass mark.

Then after that, still smiling ofcourse, I was able to attend the extra exam tute for Chemistry. It helped a lot, they gave exam tips for answering multiple choice questions especially on the Organic Chemistry section.

I am so happy this day that I found myself celebrating by rewarding myself with a McChicken. =) wee~ and my $10 savings for this week had been gone to nothing! hehe.. but it's worth it.

And oh! I was actually planning my timetable for next semester and it's finished except for adding one hour of chemistry tute. And I've been planning on what subjects to take for next year!