Right now... yung pakiramdam ko is half-half...

ewan ko lang ah.. certainly.. I do feel happy! Pano naman kasi, Nando's (a restaurant) emailed me and said na I can have an interview this Saturday. Oh db goodnews siya?

All day long, neutral lang ang araw na ito. Parang ordinary day... naging extra-ordinary lang kasi Valentine's... but as for me.. hindi ko feel yung Valentine's spirit hahaha... Kasi days before dumating ang Feb.14... well, inisip ko na wag ng mag-expect.. give up on him. Meaning, hindi naman siya yung romantic na guy eh. Pati sa tagal ba naman namin, hindi na ako natuto? Ofcourse, this time ayaw ko na mag-expect lalo na sa mga special occasions. Kung may gagawin siya, fine. Kung wala.. well, fine din! ^_^ Yung expectation ko hindi na mataas, hindi rin naman mababa.. actually, wala na nga akong expectation eh. Dati kasi expect ako ng expect na.. huwaw valentine's o kaya ibang special occasion eh palagi lang akong nauuwing barado sa kanya.

Ever since that incident nung Feb.1... I've decided.. not to hold on too tight to this relationship. Things change... the more I hold on to it.. the more I get hurt. I don't want to expect things anymore. The 'excitement' that I've had when I was in Phils were not disregarded but those things were in the past and we're back to long-distance. I felt that as much as I wanted to, he won't give me things I would expect him to do. Like, giving me time & attention, being romantic, initiating the first move, leading this relationship and things like that. I have set those aside.
I'm thinking na... he's pushing himself to keep this relationship going... to keep the fire burning.. I appreciate that. Little by little, he's becoming a 'boyfriend'. Ofcourse, hindi naman yun isang tulugan di ba? But.. tulad na nga ng sinabi ko sa kanya.. or even he knows it.. I don't trust him anymore. Wala na... and I know that trust is a big thing for relationships lalo na long-distance. But, I just don't.. I nearly did... he blew it.. He blew it twice and I don't want to give it a shot once more. Masakit lang, ako lang ang uuwing umiiyak.

I know, I know... hindi naman siya insensitive... ewan ko lang. Nawalan na ako ng kilig.. puro appreciation lang sa lahat ng effort na ginagawa niya. I am trying to hinder myself from falling in love with the guy with too many expectations, too many cares & too many thoughts. I do care.. but I'm trying to limit them. I may sound numb... pero you can't imagine what we've been through... we've been through circles.. yung road na paikot-ikot.. you deal with the same issues.. not knowing where to find a better road to escape.

He called me awhile ago to greet me a Valentine's Day... to be honest.. hindi ko siya kayang batiin pabalik.. I would be lying to myself.. magmumukha akong impokrita sa kanya. If I tell him Happy Valentine's Day.. just for the sake of the occasion, it's plastic.. it's crap... it's rubbish. Though I know, he's been waiting for me to tell it to him.. I just couldn't.. parang ang tigas ng labi ko all of a sudden. I don't know what's wrong... Could it be? Dahil ba sa wala akong tiwala sa kanya, I'm falling out of love again? How could that be, when I miss him? Sinabi ko sa kanya..'na-miss kita'.. haay.. is there something wrong with me?

Valentine's grabe... I don't mind not having a special celebration for this day or getting a surprise or present or anything... Para nga siyang ordinary day.. I woke up, ate, watched TV, internet, cleaned the house, wash dishes, took a bath, etc.. Good thing I was inside the house for the whole day.. Kaya siguro I didn't feel the 'vibe' of Mr. Cupid. Kung lumabas ako ngayong araw.. Valentine's will be miserable.. lang akong malulungkot or ma-aapektuhan sa mga makikita ko..

ang message ko para sa mga nagdate ngayon??? "MAG-BBREAK DIN KAYO!!!!!" Hahahahahaha!!!! I'm so mean..

Anyway.. while typing this blog.. my conscience bothered me.. maybe I should somehow let him know that I love him.. and that this day is special for us. Haaaay.. sige na nga.. I'll call back. -_- nakokonsensiya ako.. next time something like this will happen.. I won't blog muna!!!!!!!!!!!